Lost Forever With You
by SG1Bauer
Summary: A story following the relationship between Remus and Tonks following OotP. There are no DH spoilers in this fic.
1. Memories

**A/N: Ok so here's a story about the development of the relationship between Remus and Tonks beginning after OotP. Enjoy and please reveiw and let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters from the HP universe. They belong to the talented JKR.**

Rain splattered heavily on the window of Nymphadora Tonks's bedroom at Number 12 Grimmauld Place on a warm summer night. Inside, the Auror sat on the edge of the queen sized bed, clutching a picture frame and staring intently at the three figures moving before her. The bronze frame displayed the images of herself, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, smiling and laughing together. As she gazed upon it, the corners of her mouth curved slightly in a sad smile as Tonks recalled the night the photo had been taken.

_A crisp breeze whipped through the neighborhood of Number 12, Grimmauld Place as a certain bubble-gum pink haired Auror Apparated onto the doorstep.__** Great,**__ she thought as she quickly opened the door and deposited her cloak on the hanger located inside. __**The first official meeting of the Order of the Phoenix and I'm already late. **__Taking a quick survey of the building, second nature to her, given her occupation, she noticed very few lights were on, but heard talking emanating from downstairs. Tonks made her way down the stairs and entered the kitchen, tripping over the threshold between the two rooms._

"_Sorry, I'm late," she mumbled, almost incoherently as she quickly regained her composure and hurried to the lone, unoccupied seat._

"_Not to worry, Nymphadora, we've only just begun, though we'll have to dispense with the formalities until later," replied McGonagall, deciding that introducing Tonks to those in the Order who did not yet know her, could wait for the time being. All Tonks heard, however, was the use of her despised first name, which she cringed at, before her eyes met those of a certain brown-haired wizard who was seated across from her. Offering the handsome wizard a shy smile, she averted her focus to the discussion concerning the plan to retrieve Harry Potter from his Muggle relatives._

_An hour later, McGonagall finally ended the meeting and Tonks was relieved to say the least. After spending the entire day in several, boring meetings at the Ministry, she wasn't sure how much longer she was going to last before going crazy. This one had at least had been somewhat interesting; the others all revolved around power-hungry politicians who still refused to acknowledge the return of You-Know-Who. _

_After everyone was dismissed, the metamorph hurriedly rose from her chair and headed for the doorway but was preoccupied with her thoughts and clumsily bumped into Lupin as she crossed the threshold. _

_She could feel the heat creep up her neck as she hurried to apologize, "I'm really sorry."_

_Lupin just smiled at her. Ever since she first stumbled into the meeting, he had noticed there was something different about this woman, although the pink hair kind of gave that away on its own. __**Still, there's something about her**__, he thought. Something that drew him to her like no other woman had before. He hadn't been able to focus during the meeting at all and had to fight the urge to stare at her lovely face and sparkling eyes._

"_That's quite alright," he eventually replied. "You know, I think this doorway has it in for you," he joked, "tripped you going in and out."_

_Laughing at the still unknown wizard's comment, she replied, "I wish. No, that's just me, extremely clumsy. Barely passed the Stealth and Tracking part of my Auror training. I'm Tonks by the way." _

_Unable to resist after noticing her reaction when she arrived, Lupin retorted, "I thought it was Nymphadora." Seeing her cringe again at the use of her first name, he asked with a smirk, "Not a big fan of your first name, huh?"_

"_That's a bit of an understatement actually," she answered with a smile, "but, yeah you could say that."_

"_Well, then, Tonks it is. Remus Lupin" he said while extending his hand to grasp hers in a firm handshake._

"_Nice to meet you," she replied with genuine sincerity. "You didn't happen to see where Sirius took off to did you? I was hoping to catch him before the meeting but that didn't go as planned."_

"_He's probably in the sitting room upstairs. He to tried bolt out of that meeting as fast as you did just now," he joked, and was once again rewarded with the sound of Tonks's laughter. _

"_Yes, well, spending the day sitting through tedious meetings at the Ministry will tend to drive one mad."_

"_I can imagine. Why don't we see if we can go find him?" he asked, taking the opportunity to spend more time with the intriguing woman._

_Stepping out of his path and gesturing with her hand, she said, "Lead the way," and followed Remus up the stairs. The pair discovered Sirius relaxing on one of the couches in the sitting room and Tonks immediately ran towards him, jumped and landed on the couch next him._

_A huge smile grew on Sirius's face as he pulled his cousin into a hug, "Hey Tonks. Good job being late for the meeting by the way."_

_As Tonks picked up the closest pillow she could find and nailed him over the head with it, sarcasm dripped from her voice as she retorted, "Thanks for the support, Sirius."_

"_Anytime."_

_Remus had been watching the whole encounter as he leaned casually on the doorframe and was extremely amused by their antics. __Once he had been spotted by Sirius, however, he was beckoned over by his friend's call._

"_Hey Remus, don't just stand in the doorway, get over here."_

_Shaking his head, he sauntered over to the couch and flopped down on the opposite side of his best friend. Sirius then wrapped an arm around both Tonks' and Remus' shoulders and all three turned to smile for the camera produced by an observant Arthur Weasley. The familiar click of the shutter was heard and the moment captured before the three continued to talk and laugh through the night._

Her reflection of that night brought along other thoughts of a certain Marauder, one whom she had been thinking about a lot recently. Remus and Tonks had become very close while working for the Order over the past year. At first, it had just been short exchanges after Order meetings or talking together with Sirius. As time went on, however, the conversations became longer and more personal. Tonks and Remus would stay up long after the meetings and talk about their lives; his lycanthropy, her parents and job at the ministry, his years together with Sirius at Hogwarts. Remus found that she was the one person besides Sirius that he could actually talk to about his personal life and not feel the need to defend himself.

Tonks had come to realize fairly quickly that maybe something more than friendship existed between her and the handsome Marauder. Her recent hospitalization after the fiasco at the Department of Mysteries, and worse, Sirius's death, had opened her eyes. The brewing war against The Dark Lord meant that any one of them could soon share her cousin's dreadful fate and that it would be a good idea to tell Remus of her feelings sooner rather than later.

Lost deep in thought and staring out at the still falling rain, she failed to notice the object of her thoughts slip into the room. Remus approached the bed and placed his hand lightly on her right shoulder to draw her attention.

"No wonder you almost failed the stealth and tracking portion of your training," he joked at her inability to spot his entrance into her room and Tonks gave a small smile in reply. That was just one of the many things that drew her to man standing before her: his innate ability to always make her laugh.

"You ok?" he continued, taking a seat beside her on the bed, the mattress sinking slightly under combined weight. "You Apparated out of King's Cross pretty quickly, I was worried."

"Yeah, just thinking." It was then that Remus took notice to the contents of the picture held between her fingers.

"I remember the night that was taken," he said, as she held the picture closer for him to see.

"Yeah," she sighed and Remus caught the sadness in her voice. As she stared back at the faces before her, the reality of Sirius's death seemed to finally crash over her like a tidal wave. Until now, she was so preoccupied with getting Harry safely back home and other Order business that she hadn't had time to really stop and think about it. Remus felt the woman on his left suddenly go stiff and he wrapped a comforting arm tightly around her shoulders as a few stray tears began to run down her face.

"I should have been able to take her, Remus," she admitted quietly.

"What do you mean?" he asked gently.

"My aunt! My accursed aunt!" she answered more harshly than intended, but quickly lowered her voice to a whisper, "I should have been able to handle her. If I had….Sirius…never would have…"

"Hey," he interjected. "This was not you fault." Pulling her closer, Tonks buried her head in his chest as he soothingly rubbed her back to reassure her of the truth in his words. "Do not blame yourself for this, ok?" he asked, slowly pulling back and tipping her head up so his eyes met hers. "Sirius wouldn't' have wanted that."

Tonks nodded her head almost imperceptibly in reply, but Remus caught it. As she continued to gaze into his gorgeous coffee-colored eyes, she knew now, more than ever, that she was absolutely and completely in love with this man.

Remus too, had realized months ago that he was in love with Tonks but refused to tell her for fear of rejection. His past relationships with women were far from successful; his lycanthropy made sure of that. Deep down, he knew that Tonks was better than that but those long-lasting doubts still plagued him in the back of his mind. Worse than rejection, however, was the prospect of subjecting Tonks to life with a werewolf. She'd be in extreme danger from him at the full moon, not to mention the treatment she'd experience from those who were less than fond of his kind. He cared for her far too much to make her live like that, no matter how bad he wanted her in his life.

As the doubts and fears raced through his mind at the speed of light, Tonks moved closer and closer to him as the seconds ticked by. When Remus's mind finally caught up, he subconsciously began mimicking her motions as if drawn by an unknown force towards her. In one swift motion, Tonks closed the remaining distance between them and pressed her lips against his.

It was tentative at first, Remus hesitant to respond, but the feeling of her lips on his quickly became too much and he soon surrendered.

"Remus," Tonks breathed after she slowly pulled back to gauge his reaction.

"Tonks," he responded breathlessly and that was all the confirmation she needed and swooped back in and peppered light but fervent kisses on his mouth. "You know we shouldn't…" he tried to reason between kisses, "I'm a werewolf…too dangerous…"

"Remus," she replied a tad more forcefully than a moment ago, while caressing his cheek, "Will you please stop thinking for once. You're ruining a romantic moment here."

Laughing and smiling at her impatience with him and his rationale, he stated simply "I love you," and surprised her by pulling her into an even more passionate kiss, silencing the doubts in his head for the time being. As he lowered her back onto the bed, he heard her repeat his words back to him and felt his heart soar for the first time in his life.


	2. A Little R&R

**A/N:** **Ok this chapter is very fluffy. Next one will be a little more angsty, then back to happy so don't worry. I have most of the next chapter written, so it will be up by Wednesday night. Also, lots of thanks to MuteMath788 for suggestions for this chapter! Enjoy and I love reviews, they inspire me to write faster! Any suggestions and constructive criticism are always welcome.**

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The following morning, Remus woke in different room and bed in the Black family house than he was accustomed to. The pink tuft of hair laying on his chest and the warm body it belonged to quickly jarred his memory as to where he was and who he was with. As he lay in bed, gazing at the ceiling with his arms tightly wrapped around Tonks, a smile formed on his face. However, behind that smile lurked the uncertainties and fears the continued to haunt him. He knew he shouldn't pursue a relationship with anyone, given his condition, and even with the Wolfsbane, he wasn't 100 confident he wouldn't hurt her. Tonks had said she loved him and he believed that she truly did, for the time being. But she was so young and lively, after a while, she'd grow tired of him and want more. More than he could ever hope to give her.

But as the young Auror snuggled closer to him, a smile once again appeared on his face and he realized that this made him truly happy. There would not be a full moon for another few weeks and he decided to, for the moment, let their relationship run its own course. If Tonks' feelings changed before then, he wouldn't need to worry about hurting her. If not, well, he'd deal with that later, but it had been so long since he'd be happy, and for now, he'd allow himself that rare feeling if it made Tonks happy too.

Remus was stirred from his muse by movement from the figure on top of him as Tonks lifted her head from his chest and greeted him with a warm smile. "Hey," she said sleepily.

"Morning," he replied, a bit nervously, and she leaned up to kiss him on the mouth. When he failed to respond, she pulled back, sensing something was wrong.

"I hope you don't regret what happened last night, because I sure don't."

He hesitated a moment before answering, "I don't, I just…I'm worried you will later on. You deserve so much more than I can give you, Nymphadora."

She ignored his use of her first name; if she was honest with herself, she kind of like the way he said it. "I love you Remus, and you make me very happy. That's all I want."

"I love you too," he replied with a smile, accepting her advice from the previous night to stop thinking and live in the moment.

"Good, now that that's settled, come here," she said with a teasing smile and pulled the sheets back over their heads.

* * *

When Tonks woke for the second time that day, she glanced at the clock sitting on the table and saw that it was late afternoon. She observed that Remus was not in the room and deduced he must have already gone downstairs. Rolling out of bed, she threw on a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt and proceeded downstairs to the kitchen.

She crossed through the doorway, careful not to trip, and spotted Remus in a chair by the door, his back to her. Walking up behind him, she leaned down and wrapped her arms around his neck. Tonks then kissed his cheek and began nuzzling his neck, his unshaven stubble brushing against her face. She soon felt Remus freeze and looked up to see the reason for his discomfort, as she took notice to the other Order members staring at the new interaction between them. Tonks, herself didn't mind the audience since she was a very outgoing person, but Remus, on the other hand, seemed to be bothered by it. She quickly took a seat next to him and blushed slightly mumbling a "Morning, everyone," as she did so.

A few people looked confused, while others, such as Moody, chose to ignore the whole scene. "It's afternoon, Tonks," George stated with a smirk.

Fred wasted no time chiming in, "Though by the looks of it, you must have been up _really_ late last night."

Hearing the twins' remarks, Mrs. Weasley smacked both of them on the head and scolded them, "Watch it you two. It's none of your business, besides you shouldn't even be here. Out, now!"

Fred and George immediately protested simultaneously, "But Mum, we're of age now."

As Mrs. Weasley opened her mouth to contradict them, Dumbledore said, "Molly, I don't think there's any harm in allowing them to stay. As they said, they are of age."

Mrs. Weasley reluctantly accepted Dumbledore's request and turned back to the tray of tea she'd been preparing and began distributing cups to everyone as the meeting began.

* * *

After the first night, Tonks and Remus began staying at her flat instead of Headquarters due to the lack of privacy caused by the presence of all the other Order members. After a week together, Remus decided to plan a small vacation for the two of tem. Their time together so far had wonderful but business and assignments for the Order, in addition to Tonks's job at the Ministry, always seemed to cut short that time. So one day, Remus came up with the perfect idea for them to get away for awhile.

He Apparated onto Tonk's doorstep and rapped lightly on the door. Tonks heard the knocking and peered through the peep hole. A smile formed on her face at the sight of Remus and though she wanted to throw open the door and jump into this arms, she remembered procedure and asked, "Who is it?" **Geez that's a stupid question** she thought. **I know who it is.**

"Remus John Lupin. Werewolf by the nickname of Moony and one of, what I'm hoping is a small number of people, who knows that you have a cute little birthmark on the small of you back," he answered, unable to resist the last part.

Rolling her eyes, she replied, "We really need to come up with a new procedure." She then opened the door and stepped into his welcoming arms. She hugged him tightly and he returned her embrace, burying his face in her hair.

"Come on in," she said, stepping back but still holding his hand as she pulled him inside to her sitting room. "So, what's up?"

"Actually," he began, using all his self-restraint to control his own eagerness at seeing her reaction to his news. "I have a surprise for you."

Tonks immediately sprang up in her seat in excitement. "What is it?" she asked, like a child at Christmas.

"Well, you said you had the next three days off, so I was thinking we could use that time to go away for awhile and go camping. I know you said you missed camping with you parents like you did when you were younger and well, as a werewolf, I've had to spend quite some time in the forest and have actually grown rather fond of it."

"Oh, Remus, I'd love to go camping with you," she exclaimed and threw herself into his arms, kissing him passionately. "When do we leave?"

"Tomorrow. I borrowed a tent from Arthur Weasley and have already packed all the food and supplies we'll need. I already found the perfect spot too. It's in a remote part of the woods, next to a small river. It'll be great."

* * *

The next day, Tonks grabbed hold of Remus's arm and he Apparated the two of them, along with their supplies, to a secluded section of woods. Remus was able to easily set up the tent with a quick flick of his wand and the couple spent the remainder of the day hiking through the rocky hillside. They'd been hiking for about an hour when they came to the top of a rock formation with a magnificent waterfall.

Tonks peered over the edge to get a better look, and exclaimed, "Oh wow," before she began to lose her balance. She would have fallen over too, if Remus hadn't grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back against his chest.

"I swear, you're going to be the death of me one of these days."

"Probably," she replied casually and stepped out of his embrace to pull her shirt over her head, revealing her bathing suit top. As she stepped out of her jeans, and was left in just her bikini, Remus's breath caught in his throat. When he realized what she was going to do, he managed to find his voice and said, "Wait, Tonks, you don't know how deep that is."

"It's plenty deep enough." Her heart fluttered at his concern for her well-being as she turned and jumped off the cliff into the warm water below. When she resurfaced, she had the biggest grin on her face and slicked back her now purple hair. "Come on, Remus!" she yelled up to him. "It's fun!"

He looked down at her and pulled his shirt over his head with a laugh. Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined doing something like this. Not before he'd met Tonks. She'd changed his life the moment she stumbled into that kitchen and he loved every minute of it.

He glanced over the edge one last time before throwing caution to the wind and diving head first into the water. He came up for air right beside where Tonks had been but saw no sign of her. Suddenly, he felt someone behind him and before he could react, Tonks had dunked him back under.

When he came up again he was met with her mischievous smile. "You," he threatened, pointing his finger at her but couldn't even pretend to be angry and sent a huge splash of water into her face. Pretty soon, they were engaged in an all out war until Remus managed to get close to Tonks and pull her into a kiss. "I win," he stated proudly with a smile and Tonks merely smiled in return. She loved seeing him so happy; he rarely smiled, but when he did, he looked absolutely adorable.

After spending another half hour in the water, they noticed it was getting dark and waded to shore. Remus picked up his wand off the bank where he'd thrown it after diving in and summoned their clothes from atop the cliff. Once they were back at their camp, they cooked up some diner and talked while roasting marshmallow before retiring to bed.

The couple spent the next two days exploring more of the forest, swimming and enjoying their time off together. The night before they were going to head home, they sat outside the tent next to a roaring fire. Remus sat with his back to a large oak tree, his legs on either side of Tonks, while she leaned back against his chest.

"Thanks you so much for this trip, Remus," she said as he absentmindedly ran his fingers through her soft hair.

"Your welcome," he whispered and kissed the top of her head, pulling her closer. The couple eventually fell asleep under the stars, holding each other tightly.

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	3. Special Assignment

**Ok I told you I'd have this chapter up by Wednesday night and since its only 10:12 pm I made it with an hour and 48 minutes to spare! This chapter is pretty angsty but the next one should be happier! Enjoy and please review!**

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For the next two weeks, Remus and Tonks stayed together despite Remus's inner doubts. The happiness he felt surged through him at the mere thought of her and with each passing day, his fears and reservations diminished more and more. One night after an Order meeting, however, he was approached by Dumbledore as Tonks and he were preparing to leave.

"Remus, a word please," asked the headmaster.

Taking Tonks aside, he said, "Go ahead home, I think I'll spend the night here anyway. You've got to get up early for work tomorrow."

"You're sure?" she asked through a yawn. She was a little disappointed he wouldn't be going home with her but was too tired to argue about it at the moment.

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Ok." She kissed him on the cheek and said tiredly, "Love you."

"You too, goodnight," he replied and turned back to Dumbledore after Tonks stepped out and Apparated home.

"Remus," the headmaster began, "As I'm sure you're well aware, a majority of werewolves have begun siding with Lord Voldemort as of late."

"It's their hatred towards wizards," Remus chimed in. "They feel Voldemort can do more for them in the long run, give them more freedom."

"We suspected as much. However, seeing as how they are close to Voldemort, they undoubtedly have a great deal of knowledge concerning his recent activities. We have also gathered information that they are not just joining sides with him but are actively involved in his plans, as if they were Death Eaters. If we could gain access to that kind of intelligence, it would be of great value to us." He paused a moment, as if to consider his next words before continuing, "Now, this is not an order but…"

"You want me to go undercover with them. Infiltrate their ranks and gather information," Remus supplied.

Dumbledore nodded and replied, "As I said, it is entirely up to you. This is a very dangerous assignment and living among those who openly embrace the part of yourself which you condemn will not be easy."

"I'd be honored to help. I'm the only one who can pull this off and any information we could obtain is worth the risk." Remus knew that by taking this assignment, he would essentially be cut off from Tonks indefinitely. That thought tore his heart in two, but also made him realize that time apart from one another would allow Tonks to move on and find someone who would give her a good life.

"Very well, Remus. I feel that the best time for you to join their group is directly after a full moon. The next one is in less than three days, which I'm afraid, is not enough time to fully bring you up to speed on the plan. After the next full moon, which happens to be a few days before the start of the school term, we'll arrange it so that you are found by the group."

"Just one question, how do you know they'll accept me as one of their own?"

"You'll tell them you've come to see things their way, so to speak. Since it will be after the full moon, you will explain to them that while transformed, you were about to kill a Muggle to satisfy your blood craving, when the Ministry stepped in and stopped you. They tried to capture you and would have taken you to Azkaban had you not managed to escape," Dumbledore explained.

"And werewolves have a hard time to surviving when the Ministry imposes anti-werewolf laws," Remus once again chimed in.

"Exactly. You tell them you're willing to do anything to ensure your own survival and that you now realize Voldemort is your best chance at freedom. As I said, Remus, this is a huge risk and we can't be sure they'll believe this story."

"I understand but I still want to do this."

"As you wish. We'll discuss the full plan tomorrow afternoon if that's alright with you?"

"That's fine," he answered and watched the headmaster as he Disapparated from out on the doorstep.

Remus was left alone that night with only his thoughts for company. Lying on his bed, he struggled over what to do about his relationship with Tonks. He had about a month before he had to leave, but the full moon was less than three days away and if he had to end it anyway, it would be best if she didn't have to experience his transformation. He knew she would be hurt but he would be sparing her a much bigger heart break in future. Also, he would be able to save her from worrying about him while he was on this mission. One in which his death was a very real possibility.

* * *

The following evening, Remus Apparated onto the doorstep of Tonk's flat, just as the orange sun began to set over the horizon. He'd just come from the meeting about his mission and after hearing the details, he knew that ending their relationship was the right thing to do, for Tonks's sake. 

He knocked gently on the door and waited for her to answer. After the usual questioning, she opened the door and kissed him lightly on the mouth.

"I missed you last night," she said, pulled back and locked her arms around his neck.

"I missed you too. Can we talk?" he asked reluctantly, knowing what he had to do.

"Sure," she answered, took his hand in hers and led him around to the backyard where they took a seat on a wooden swing that was suspended from the branch of a large tree. Still grasping his hand, Tonks asked, "So, what's going on?"

"I've been given an assignment by the Order," he replied. **Good**, he thought, **be blunt, get straight to the point before you change your mind or lose the nerve.**

"Ok," she replied, a little confused as to why this was such a big deal. "We get assignments all the time. What's so special about this one?"

"I'm to go undercover with a group of werewolves, led by Fenrir Greyback, who have joined forces with Voldemort. The plan is for me to try and obtain any information I can about his upcoming plans and number of followers."

She'd known their relationship had been going too perfectly to last for very long. "So, when do you leave? How long are you going to be gone?"

"The Order's planned it so that I leave right after the next full moon which is a few days before the start of the next school term. I'm not sure exactly how long I'll be gone," he explained as gently as possible. "It could be as long as a year, I guess."

They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, both trying to process the thought of being separated for such a long period of time.

"You really have to do this, don't you?" Tonks asked, though she already knew the answer.

He nodded and replied, "I'm the only one who can." Remus paused for moment, steeling himself for what needed to be said next. "There's something else, Nymphadora…this assignment…it's made me realize that this," he gestured between them, "us…can't continue."

"Does this have to do with the full moon in few days, Remus? Because I find it just a little hard to believe that you've stopped loving me just because you have to go undercover with Greyback and his band of merry werewolves."

Trying to ignore her sarcasm he continued, "We can't be together, Tonks. I'm sorry. I'll be gone for almost a year, maybe longer. I could be killed."

"Remus, I'd wait an eternity if I had to. Also, you're a very skilled wizard, you'll be fine," she said, trying to reassure herself as much as him.

"It's not fair for you to have to wait. I'll be gone either way and it's better if you don't have to worry about an old man like me and can move on."

"But that's my decision to make, isn't it?" she replied and he could hear the desperation beginning to seep into her voice. When he didn't respond, she continued, "I'll tell you what's not fair, Remus: you coming here, telling me you're leaving, for what could be year, and then ending our relationship. So if and when you do come back, you won't be coming back to me."

"I'm sorry, I really am, but you deserve someone younger who can support you, Dora. I can barely take care of myself. Not to mention the fact that I turn into a raging beast once a month." As he said the last bit, disgust laced his voice.

"I don't care about money, Remus. I care about you, God, I love you! And the fact that you're a werewolf shouldn't even be part of this conversation. You should know by now that it doesn't bother me in the slightest. In fact, it makes you more attractive because having to deal with that has made you stronger and more compassionate."

"I know this isn't what you want to hear and I need you to know that I love you more than I ever thought possible. But it has to be this way." It killed him inside to say this. Hurting her this way was more painful than any transformation he'd ever had to endure. He'd take a thousand transformations over having to do this to her.

"Then tell me, Remus," she began, anger beginning to mask her grief. "What the _hell_ were these past three weeks? Was that all just some temporary fling before you ran off or what, because I don't know at this point."

"Nymphadora," God, she loved the way he said her name. "I know you say you love me…and I believe that's true at the moment, but it won't last. You're young and have a long life ahead of you. Sooner or later, you're going to want more than I can give you."

"I can't believe you think this is some sort of teenage crush! These past three weeks have been the best of my life! I _never_ thought I could be this happy." Her voice slowly lowered and she stared into his eyes as if she could make him understand through that gaze. "You're the reason I'm happy, Remus. I don't know why it's so hard for you to accept that. You are everything I will ever want or need. I'd be perfectly content to spend the rest of my life living with you like we have over the past few weeks."

"Please, Dora," he pleaded. "This is how it has to be. Please try and understand that."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to hold back the tears welling up inside them. "I only hope that maybe after time, you'll change your mind. I love you and as I said before, I'll wait forever if I have to, but I will _never_ understand why we can't be together, Remus."

"I'm so sorry. Goodbye, Nymphadora," he said sadly as he fought back the tears that were forming in his own eyes. Knowing there was nothing left to say, he leaned in and brushed his lips over hers one final time before he stood up and Disapparated from her backyard.

"Goodbye, Remus," she whispered into the wind and tears finally fell from her eyes. Swaying back and forth on the swing, the Auror's normally vibrant pink hair morphed into a mousy brown color as the sun continued to sink into the horizon.

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	4. One of Them

**A/N:Hey sorry it took so long to update, but I have most of the next chapter written so I only have to type it up. This chapter is really sort of a filler chapter and jumps around alot in regards with time. Anyway, enjoy and please please review!**

In the weeks following, Remus and Tonks both went to great lengths to avoid each other. For the first few days after their argument, Tonks had been adamant about their relationship and tried unsuccessfully to change his mind. After awhile though, she became mentally and physically exhausted from the confrontations which usually ended in both of them becoming aggravated and her storming away in frustration.

Tonks was beginning to go crazy as a result of his stubbornness and Order meetings were quickly becoming a new form of torture. She hated not sitting next to him, holding his hand under the table like they used to. Remus, it seemed to her, looked as if he was handling the whole thing with extremely well.

She couldn't have been more wrong as Remus was also losing his sanity over their situation. Each time he saw her, he became less and less certain that ending things was the right decision. One particular evening he had almost given in. After an Order meeting, Tonks had followed him up to his bedroom and proceeded to pound on his door, refusing to stop until he opened it. He reluctantly obliged, and he let her in; it was either that or not sleep at all that night. Another shouting match had ensued and somehow they had ended up face to face, standing very close to each other. Remus's self-control was suddenly put to the ultimate test and it had taken him every ounce of that restraint not to pull her into a passionate kiss.

As he sat in a plush armchair in his room recalling the incident, an open book on his lap, he was once again reminded of the strong effect the young woman had on him. Even as she had turned to leave, he'd had to catch his hand from shooting out and stopping her. **God, what's gotten into me? Must be the fact that I haven't taken my Wolfsbane as preparation for this assignment. Yeah, that's it, **he tried to reason, though he didn't believe a word of it.

**Damn, it's a good thing this mission starts soon or I'm going to end up caving if I have to deal with this much longer,** he thought, running his fingers through his graying hair. He hated the thought of leaving for a potentially deadly assignment being on such bad terms with Tonks but hoped that it would give her more of an incentive to move on.

The evening that Remus was scheduled to leave for his assignment, Dumbledore had held a meeting in order to go over last minute changes and make sure everything was on schedule. Last night had been the full moon and Remus was exhausted. Without his Wolfsbane, he'd been in excruciating pain and did not look forward to going through transformations like that anytime soon. He knew he had no choice though; while undercover there was no way he'd be able to take the potion. After the meeting, as Remus was on his way out the door, he spotted Tonks sitting on the stairs, staring blankly at the wall before her. He noticed that her hair was still its natural brown color and that the life in her eyes was gone.

Walking out the door without uttering a word would have been the best thing for him to do but his heart ached to see her in such a state because of his actions. Unable to resist, he walked over and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder to draw her attention. The familiar warmth of Remus's hand drew her eyes to his as he said, "Hey, it's going to be alright. Don't worry about me."

"You know that'll never happen," she replied solemnly.

Suddenly the large clock in the foyer chimed, signifying that the hour of his departure had arrived. "I have to go."

"Then go," she whispered and he could hear the sadness in her voice.

He simply nodded in reply, gently squeezed her shoulder and turned to door. As his hand closed over the knob, he heard her call softly, "Remus…"

"Hmm?"

"Be careful."

"I promise," he said and opened the door and stepped out into the twilight.

* * *

Remus Apparated to the spot in the woods where he was to join up with Greyback. He lit the tip of his wand and carefully checked out the immediate area to make sure he didn't have any unwanted visitors. Suddenly he heard the sound of breaking branches and crunching leaves, and he whirled around to see Greyback and his group approaching. As soon as the others caught sight of him, Greyback spoke, his wand held aloft to match Remus. "Well, well, if it isn't Remus Lupin. Long time no see, huh? Last time I saw you, you were a scrawny little kid. Haven't changed much by the looks of it."

Grunts and chuckles of agreement could be heard in the darkness from the other werewolves as their leader continued, "I wouldn't have even recognized you, had you not had your face plastered all over the _Daily Prophet_ after being fired from Hogwarts two years ago . I guess your still aligning yourself with those weaklings then?"

"Not anymore," Remus answered. Now was his only chance, if they didn't believe his story, they would surely kill him.

"Really? What happened? Must have been pretty bad to make you leave your trusted friends," Greyback asked skeptically.

**Well, here goes nothing**. "During last night's full moon I tracked down a Muggle. I was about to kill him when the Ministry stepped in and stopped me. They tried to capture me. I barely escaped; they're probably still hunting me. It's ridiculous! I mean, how can we be expected to live when the Ministry imposes anti-werewolf laws and prevents us from feeding!"

"That is exactly why we joined with Lord Voldemort. Though I still find it hard to believe a thing like that would make you betray your friends." Greyback replied.

"They betrayed me," he said softly, trying to sound hurt. "And a lot of good Dumbledore did. He couldn't even convince the Ministry to call off the search for me. If they find me, they'll throw me in Azkaban, for sure."

"So what are you going to do now?"

"Anything I have to do to survive and make sure I don't get caught."

"Even joining the Dark Lord?" Greyback inquired, trying to gauge his sincerity.

"If it means I can live freely without being hunted for the rest of my life, then yes. The Ministry doesn't give a damn what happens to werewolves and I refuse to support any government that rejects what I am."

"Well Remus, I'm not entirely convinced you're telling the truth, however, I'm willing to give you a chance. Our numbers are low right now and we can always use new members in our pack. You're welcome to come with us but know that you will be under intense scrutiny until you can prove your loyalty."

"Whatever it takes," he replied and lowered his wand in acceptance.

* * *

Remus had been extremely lucky that the others had accepted his story, albeit reluctantly. Their base of operations, so to speak, was a system of caves located deep within the woods. It had been a month since he'd joined them and spending time among them had only confirmed his suspicions that they were savage beasts, even when in an untransformed state. The full moon was the next night and as he sat at the mouth of one of the caves, gazing through the trees at the bright stars above, he felt very apprehensive about it. Being among the others meant he would be forced to join in whatever they did while transformed. He suspected he'd have to hunt and kill other animals, maybe even humans. The thought sickened him, but knew he had no choice. His transformation would undoubtedly me far more painful as well and the absence of his potion wasn't the only reason.

Ever since he'd first met Tonks, his transformations had seemed to be a little less horrific, even before they were together romantically. The simple notion that he'd see her the next day gave him more comfort than he could ever have imagined. A part of him wondered how he would feel if he actually allowed her to be with him during the whole thing.

**No**, he stopped himself. **I probably won't ever see her again anyway. Even if I do make it through this, I could never endanger her like that.** Though he knew she could handle him as a werewolf and that she was more than capable of taking care of herself. As the night dragged on, the lonely wizard continued to stare up into the dark sky and tried to think of anything except Tonks; he didn't have much luck.

* * *

The night Remus left, Tonks had gone home and tired to sleep but failed miserably. **This is great**, she thought**. I'm never going to get a decent night's sleep while he's out there running around with killer werewolves**.

Not long after, the Minister of Magic stationed Tonks at Hogsmeade to help with security up at Hogwarts. The Auror was more than happy to accept the assignment and hoped it would give her something to focus on besides Remus. She never did get a full night's rest, however. She usually slept for a few hours at a time but was always awoken by one of many nightmares. For the next four months, Tonks merely trudged through life, indifferent to the world around her, the absence of Remus still affecting her morphing ability and her Patronus.

When Christmas finally rolled around, her spirits were lifted slightly when she received news that Remus was in fact alive and would be visiting for a few days. She was invited to the Burrow for dinner and had definitely considered going, if only to see for herself that Remus was alive and well. In the end, however, she had opted not to, believing it was for the best. After all these months, she'd almost come to cope with his absence and seeing him again would only send her right back to the beginning.

* * *

Remus had been disappointed that she hadn't shown for dinner and that she spent Christmas alone. He knew he had no right to be after what he'd done to her, but couldn't help holding onto that last thread of hope that she still cared for him. The few days of peace he had at the Burrow couldn't last, however, and he soon had to return to the others and once again dive into the life he hated. His transformations continued to be more and more painful each time; the longer he went without his Wolfsbane and the longer he was away from Tonks. The grueling days of pretending to support Voldemort slowly dragged into months as he was forced to be a part of countless atrocities committed in the Dark Lord's name.

One such event stuck in his mind like no other. It had been a cold damp night and Remus had been with Greyback and 3 other werewolves as they walked down a Muggle street. Greyback had become bored since Voldemort had not given them any new tasks, and had decided to go hunting. It had not even been a full moon and yet he had dragged Remus and the others out for a night of terrorizing innocent people. As the group made their way around a corner, they spotted a Muggle couple walking down the street together. Greyback, without warning had produced his wand from under his cloak and struck them down with two well-placed killing curses, leaving their bodies crumpled on the sidewalk. Remus had no choice but to simply stand and watch, along with the others.

"That never gets old," Greyback snarled from under his hood and led the group away from the scene, Remus blindly following. When they arrived back at the caves, Remus went off alone and sank to the hard ground, leaning his head back against the cold stone and closing his eyes. The killing of the two Muggles had barely affected him, it had become almost common place, and that was what scared him more than anything else. As a cold wind whipped through the cave entrance, he once again turned his gaze upwards, his only comfort these days being the stars above and the promise they held for a brighter future.


	5. First Time

**A/N: Ok here's the final chapter to my story. I would have gone farther that the end of HBP but with school starting next week I won't have the time. And after writing this chapter, I'm actually happy where I ended it, I think it's a good place to end it. Anyway, as always enjoy and please, please review.**

**Disclaimer: The song in this chapter, First Time, does not belong to me but to the band Lifehouse.**

* * *

Remus and Tonks both spent the next six months after Christmas performing their respective duties as if on auto-pilot, with no emotion at all. Finally, in June, a few days before the end of term, Remus made his final report to the Order and was given clearance to end his mission. He was thrilled to be home and dragged himself through the door of Grimmauld Place and into the sitting room where he flopped onto the soft couch. He'd only been home a few hours when he received word of the attack at Hogwarts, but immediately left to join the fight. 

When the battle had ended, Remus made his way to the hospital wing but stopped in the doorway. For the first time in ten months, he laid his eyes on Nymphadora Tonks and his breath caught in his chest. Her hair was still brown and he stood for a moment gazing at her from behind and felt his heart warm at her presence.

Tonks stood facing Bill Weasley's hospital bed and, hearing quiet footsteps behind her, turned around and caught Remus's stare. They never dropped each others gaze as Remus slowly entered the ward and came to stand next to her.

When her ears picked up the conversation going on between Bill and Fleur about their wedding, Tonks turned back to the group of people standing there and saw the perfect opportunity to jump in and use the situation to her advantage. She swiftly turned to Remus, seized him by his robes and desperately tried one last time to convince him.

Remus wanted to tell her that he was finally ready to give them a chance but the presence of everyone else in the room caused him to hesitate and once again fall back on his "too old, too poor, too dangerous" excuse. Knowing she had once again lost the argument, she stormed out of the room and out to the grounds where she started to run down to the lake, trying to burn off some of her frustration. When she reached the bank, she knelt down and scooped up a handful of rocks and proceeded to cast them, one at a time, as far as she could, into the dark water.

A few minutes later, she again heard footsteps but did not turn around, already knowing who was standing behind her.

"Tonks…" Remus said gently. Nothing; she continued to forcefully chuck the stones into the lake.

"Nymphadora…" he tried and she stopped in the middle of her throw and turned to face him. He stepped closer and reached out to take her hand in his.

Her small hand felt so warm in his larger one and though she wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms, she couldn't take another rejection. "Look Remus, I heard what you said in the hospital ward. Obviously ten months hasn't changed your mind about me. I thought that after you'd had some time to think you'd come to sense but I guess I was wrong…again."

"You weren't wrong…" he replied and when her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, he continued. "I was. I was wrong not to listen to you in the beginning. I wanted to, I just…I've spent my whole life avoiding people and relationships in general because…" he paused, tears threatening to fall from his eyes "…I learned a long time ago that it hurts a lot less to just not get close anyone. When you said you wanted to be involved with me, I figured that it wasn't something that was going to last and I tried to push you away before I could get hurt. I didn't realize that I would hurt you this much. Then, during Christmas, when Molly told me you still hadn't regained your morphing ability and Harry mentioned the change in you Patronus, I realized that maybe your feelings weren't going to change."

_We're both looking for something_

_We've been afraid to find_

_It's easier to be broken_

_It's easier to hide_

_Looking at you, holding my breath_

_For once in my life, I'm scared to death_

_I'm taking a chance, letting you inside_

"That's what I kept trying to tell you, you idiot."

He smiled slightly at her reply. "I know and I was a fool not to listen. And after ten months in hell, I've become a stone. That assignment sucked the life right out of me, Dora."

"Oh, I don't know about that," she said and stepped closer to him and brushed a strand of ginger hair from his eyes. He did look different; more scars on his face, probably all over the rest of his body too and he seemed paler. But even through the scars she still saw a spark of hope in his gentle eyes. "You still look like the handsome Marauder I fell in love with."

"I don't want to live the rest of my life like I did for the better part of the year, with no feeling, indifferent to the world around me. I know I have no right to ask your forgiveness after the way I treated you, but I just need you to know that I still love you with all my heart and if you still…"

He never got to finish his statement because Tonk's lips closed over his and cut him off. He responded to her kiss hungrily, and he couldn't get enough of the woman standing before him.

_I'm feeling alive all over again_

_As deep as the sky, under my skin_

_Like being in love, she says, for the first time_

_Maybe I'm wrong,_

_But I'm feeling right where I belong_

_With you tonight_

_Like being in love_

_To feel for the first time_

When they pulled apart, Tonks replied, "Of course I still love you."

He smiled brightly down at her and said playfully, "You know, you interrupted me."

"Already knew what you were going to say," she retorted smugly.

"Oh yeah? You think so?"

She nodded in reply and he said, "Ok, guess I don't need to ask the other question then."

She knew he was trying to goad a response out of her but she was curious. "What other question?"

"Nope, you already knew what I was going to say so I don't need to say it."

"Come on, Remus," she pleaded, sounding like a child trying to convince their parents to buying them something.

As much as he enjoyed teasing her, he knew that what he had to say was not something to joke about. "Alright," he conceded and reached into his rob pocket, pulling out a small blue box. He gracefully dropped to one knee in front of her and opened the box. Sitting inside was a small white gold ring with an elegant pink diamond in the center, set between two smaller white diamonds. Remus had stopped at a jeweler on his way back to Grimmauld place earlier that day and decided he was going to propose as soon as he saw Nymphadora. The attack and the scene in the infirmary had postponed that plan but he was one hundred percent sure that this was the perfect time to ask her.

When she realized what he was doing, Tonks let out a small gasp and tears welled in her eyes as Remus said, "Nymphadora, I know I've been a total prat about this whole thing, but being away from you for so long has made me see how much I missed you and how much I need you in my life. You've made me so happy already, all I can do is ask that you give me the chance to try and give you a life of happiness as well. Nymphadora…will you marry this old werewolf and give me that chance?"

Without a moment's hesitation, she sank to her knees and grabbed his robes, as she had done before, and kissed him passionately. After a second, she pulled away, her mouth still close to his and a huge smile on her face, and whispered, "Yes, and you're not old."

_The world that I see inside you_

_Waiting to come to life_

_Waking me up to dreaming_

_Reality in your eyes_

Remus took her left hand in his and slid the ring onto her finger then tightly wrapped his arms around her, as if she'd disappear if he let go.

_Lookin__g at you, holding my breath_

_For once in my life, I'm scared to death_

_I'm taking a chance, letting you inside_

_I'm feeling alive all over again_

_As deep as the sky, under my skin_

_Like being in love, she says, for the first time_

_Maybe I'm wrong,_

_But I'm feeling right where I belong_

_With you tonight_

_Like being in love_

_To feel for the first time_

After holding each other for several minutes, they eventually broke apart and Remus pulled her up with him as he stood. The now-engaged couple gazed out over the water as it rippled from the wind and stood in silence with their hands clasped together. Remus was beyond happy that Tonks had said 'yes' but there were still issues in the back on his mind that refused to be silenced until he voiced them to his fiancé.

"Dora," he began, "there are still some things you need to be aware of…"

"I told you, I can handle you as a werewolf," she interjected.

"Yes, I know that, but that's not the only thing."

"Ok" she said slowly, not exactly sure what he was talking about. She thought they'd already gotten past the 'too old, poor and dangerous' part, what else was left?

"When we're married, your association with me is going to have a big impact on your life. You could lose your job, I mean, being married to a werewolf is not an ideal quality for a Ministry employee," he explained.

"Remus, it's not like I'm going to throw a big bridal shower at work and even if the Ministry does find out and I lose my job, it will have been worth it if I get to spend the rest of my life with you."

"But you love being an Auror," he replied quietly, ashamed that she might have to give that up because of what he was.

At his response, she took his face between her hands, looked directly into his eyes and said, "I'm only going to say this once, Remus. My job, my life, everything I have; none of it means anything without you."

Her admission touched him deep in his heart and his eyes began to sting again. His hand came up to her face and he stroked her cheek with the back of his hand as he spoke again. "My place in society…you've seen how people react when they find out what I am and then how they treat me. I'm an outcast, Dora. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life like that, lost away from society with a monster?"

"You are not a monster," she said confidently. "You are a kind and gentle man. And if being lost means I get to spend the rest of my life with you by my side then, yes, that's exactly what I want, to stay lost forever with you."

He once again pulled her into his arms, holding her tight, and whispered in her ear, "I guess you win then, because I've officially run out of excuses."

He felt her laugh softly against his sweater-clad chest and as he ran his fingers through her hair, he noticed it had finally morphed back to its usual bright pink color. He smiled and pulled away to look down into her eyes, which were once again filled with life and happiness. "You hair," he stated simply.

"What about it?"

"It's pink again."

"That's because I'm happy again…I'm home," she replied and hugged him tighter.

_We're crashing into the unknown_

_We're lost in this, but it feels like home_

After a while, they broke from the embrace and headed back up to the castle, still holding hands. While walking back, Remus couldn't help but grin foolishly. He never expected anyone to ever want him, much less fall in love with him, and now he'd found the perfect women who wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. As he pondered his amazing luck at finally finding the life he never thought he'd have, Tonks brought their joined hands up to study her ring.

"I can't believe you asked me to marry you," she confessed, part of her still believing all of it had to be a dream.

"Well," he replied, "Someone has to be around to make sure you don't trip and kill yourself. You know, it's bound to happen one of these days."

_I'm feeling alive all over again_

_As deep as the sky, under my skin_

_Like being in love, she says, for the first time_

_Maybe I'm wrong,_

_But I'm feeling right where I belong_

_With you tonight_

_Like being in love_

_To feel for the first time_

She smiled at him, smacked him lovingly on the chest and felt her heart warm when he smiled back at her with a smile that was happier and brighter than she'd ever seen.

* * *

**Thanks so much for reading and to all those of you who reviewed.**


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